Two weeks ago this past Saturday, a man broke into my apartment and tried to rape me. I fought him off, he escaped, and I suffered only a bloody nose. I am still shaken, but I am okay, and I feel lucky.
I had just moved into a new apartment, where I was living alone, and this was my second night in the new place. I have since moved into a safer neighborhood, second floor 1-bedroom apartment. My investigation is ongoing, so I can't write much about it here. Sufficed to say, I believe the offender is in jail, caught only days ago, on his way to prison, but not for my incident, unfortunately.
Why am I writing about this here, in this blog about my abortion? There are a few reasons.
What if I hadn't had the abortion:
I couldn't help but think, within minutes after the assault, that I could have been almost 8 months pregnant when this happened. Would the offender, when he first opened my door to peer in and see who was in the bedroom, skipped on raping a very pregnant woman? Would I have even been home alone or would this have even happened, as my boyfriend and I most likely would have moved in together and be living elsewhere?
Threats to my reproductive system and my sexual identity:
Thus far, I don't feel scarred sexually or emotionally by the abortion or by the attack. I am aware that these things could impact me down the road, could seep in insidiously, and I keep a check on my sexual and emotional health and happiness.
What if I had been raped:
Because I am slightly psychic but do not learn to listen to my gut, I had this thought the day before the attack: 'It would suck to be raped if you had a yeast infection.' (I had a yeast infection at the time.) Followed by, 'It would suck to be raped if you weren't on birth control.'
The emotional toll of simply having a stranger violate my personal space and attempt to violate my body, it's hard to describe. I cannot imagine the unspoken pain of women who are raped, nor can I imagine the devastation if that rape results in a pregnancy.
That there are people out in this world who would suggest that rape does not "justify" an abortion absolutely sickens me. That they would want to further control the body and destiny of a woman whose control of those very things was violently ripped from her sickens me as well. I usually don't fill this blog with much vitriol toward those people, but fuck it. Those small-minded, self-righteous urchins should feel what that violation of space and body feels like, how it shakes you to your core, how it leaves you jumping at shadows and tree branches cracking, and sobbing at your own fear in the middle of the night, and then experience a lifetime of the product of that violation. Oh, how their hollow ivory towers would crumble.
Amazingly, one of those small-minded people is a friend of mine from high school. She once posted a link to this disgusting (and so-bad-it's-almost-funny) essay that mainly uses the movie Rob Roy as its evidential proof for this opinion. This friend called me the night following the attack after I posted a note on Facebook explaining what had happened. In tears and hysterical (Please don't call your friends who were just the victim of a violent crime if you are in tears and hysterical, by the way. It's not helpful. In fact, it's upsetting.), she said how happy she was I was okay, so glad she was that I fought, how much she wanted to hear my voice. And what might her message have said, I wonder, if I hadn't been able to fight him off, if I had been raped, if I was pregnant with the rapist's child and if I chose to terminate the pregnancy? What if I had shared that on Facebook instead?
Breaking the silence:
It's not my style to be silent. (Have you noticed?) I want to share my experiences and stories from my experiences because it is important to me that there is more understanding, more compassion, more connection between a statistic (like 1 in 1,000 women on birth control will get pregnant on their period; there is one sexual assault every two minutes) and the experience (me).
The day after the attack I wrote a letter to my friends and family. At first, I intended only to send it to a handful of friends and my family members. After I wrote and edited and started adding names to the list, I kept adding more names and more names and more... Soon, I sent the email to nearly 50 friends. Within hours, I decided to post most of the email as a note on Facebook.
Responses came pouring in. Support, advice, words of love. One woman, who I only have met on two occasions and is dating a friend of mine, sent me a private message. Four years ago, in her first week after she moved to this city, she was raped. She admired me for sharing my experience, she said. My heart slammed against my chest. This strong woman, this brave person, I could not imagine what she had been through, and she was reaching out to me. There were others out there, women I knew who had been through much worse, and I wasn't alone. None of us are.
The silence is not okay. It cloaks the experience in a shroud of shame, fear. By sharing our stories, even the most difficult, we support one another.
I am considering creating a separate anonymous blog about further issues affecting women, sexual health and my own experiences moving forward from the abortion. I started this blog with the intent to chronicle one experience, and I'd like it to exist somewhat statically, so that women going through an abortion might refer to the direct experience of the abortion and my healing. However, things keep happening to me (funny how life works!), and I would like to keep sharing. I think another blog may be the answer.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
EC and me
I took a Plan B One-Step pill on Saturday.
It goes without saying that I wasn't expecting to do that, but sometimes little slip-ups happen. My little slip-up played out a lot like the notorious sex scene in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up.
At 4 in the morning on Friday night, having lovey, drowsy sex, I realized I was not going to orgasm. Feeling close with my boyfriend and wanting him to climax, I whispered in his ear that I wanted him to, even if I didn't.
'What?!' he said. I whispered yes, and he said, 'No, no no,' and then... he came.
There I was thinking he had been insisting 'no' because we never like to have sex where one person orgasms and the other doesn't. But his shocked and scared face shook me from my lovey-drowsy state, and I asked with panic, "What??"
"Uh, we got kind of carried away there, didn't we?" he said.
"What do you mean?" As the words passed my lips, it dawned on me... No condom.
For a moment, I was angry. How did this happen? I saw him open the wrapper and I thought he had put it on. We had even stopped so he could. But I realized that without my contacts in, and sleepy and distracted, I didn't actually see the condom go on. But what was he thinking?? What happened?
It turned out that our slip-up occurred through a series of miscommuncations, similar to Knocked Up's "Just do it!" sex scene where Katherine Heigl encourages Seth Rogen to hurry up and get the condom on, and Seth Rogen forgoes the condom to, uh, 'just do it.' I thought my boyfriend had put on a condom already, and he thought I, when encouraging him to orgasm, simply wanted him to pull out, or that I had started my period... (Face, palm.)
And to those birth control methods, I held back my exasperation and said calmly instead, "Just so we're clear: As long as I'm not on birth control and I don't have my IUD yet, only condoms. No pulling out. No unprotected sex during my period. That's how we wound up where we were in March."
He didn't say anything but rubbed his head and eyes and groaned. I think he was having a 'oh, yeah, duh' moment. Did I mention it was 4 in the morning?
We curled up together as I pulled out my iPhone to search on Plan B's website for the closest pharmacy that sells it OTC. By noon the next day, I took a Plan B after downing a bunch of water and veggies (I felt nauseous the only other time I took Plan B, about four years ago, so I didn't want to take it on an empty stomach.)
I still can't believe some people feel there's a stigma about emergency contraception like Plan B, particularly people who don't have a problem with birth control. For me, there is no stigma, no humiliation. Mistakes happen. That's that.
Though I did empathize with the dewy-eyed 19-year-old boy working the Walgreen's pharmacy counter whose voice cracked with each phrase he uttered during our transaction. Yes, my dear pharmacy friend, I am a 20-something, sexually-active woman. And yes, my sexual partner and I had an accident last night, but it's okay. And yes, I will also take this plastic cooler as I am going to the beach immediately after this, and thank you very much.
It goes without saying that I wasn't expecting to do that, but sometimes little slip-ups happen. My little slip-up played out a lot like the notorious sex scene in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up.
At 4 in the morning on Friday night, having lovey, drowsy sex, I realized I was not going to orgasm. Feeling close with my boyfriend and wanting him to climax, I whispered in his ear that I wanted him to, even if I didn't.
'What?!' he said. I whispered yes, and he said, 'No, no no,' and then... he came.
There I was thinking he had been insisting 'no' because we never like to have sex where one person orgasms and the other doesn't. But his shocked and scared face shook me from my lovey-drowsy state, and I asked with panic, "What??"
"Uh, we got kind of carried away there, didn't we?" he said.
"What do you mean?" As the words passed my lips, it dawned on me... No condom.
For a moment, I was angry. How did this happen? I saw him open the wrapper and I thought he had put it on. We had even stopped so he could. But I realized that without my contacts in, and sleepy and distracted, I didn't actually see the condom go on. But what was he thinking?? What happened?
It turned out that our slip-up occurred through a series of miscommuncations, similar to Knocked Up's "Just do it!" sex scene where Katherine Heigl encourages Seth Rogen to hurry up and get the condom on, and Seth Rogen forgoes the condom to, uh, 'just do it.' I thought my boyfriend had put on a condom already, and he thought I, when encouraging him to orgasm, simply wanted him to pull out, or that I had started my period... (Face, palm.)
And to those birth control methods, I held back my exasperation and said calmly instead, "Just so we're clear: As long as I'm not on birth control and I don't have my IUD yet, only condoms. No pulling out. No unprotected sex during my period. That's how we wound up where we were in March."
He didn't say anything but rubbed his head and eyes and groaned. I think he was having a 'oh, yeah, duh' moment. Did I mention it was 4 in the morning?
We curled up together as I pulled out my iPhone to search on Plan B's website for the closest pharmacy that sells it OTC. By noon the next day, I took a Plan B after downing a bunch of water and veggies (I felt nauseous the only other time I took Plan B, about four years ago, so I didn't want to take it on an empty stomach.)
I still can't believe some people feel there's a stigma about emergency contraception like Plan B, particularly people who don't have a problem with birth control. For me, there is no stigma, no humiliation. Mistakes happen. That's that.
Though I did empathize with the dewy-eyed 19-year-old boy working the Walgreen's pharmacy counter whose voice cracked with each phrase he uttered during our transaction. Yes, my dear pharmacy friend, I am a 20-something, sexually-active woman. And yes, my sexual partner and I had an accident last night, but it's okay. And yes, I will also take this plastic cooler as I am going to the beach immediately after this, and thank you very much.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Maybe Not the Mirena...
I canceled my appointment for the Mirena IUD. After weeks of talking with many ladies about birth control, chatting with a few other friends who have or have had IUDs, I began to question my decision to go with the hormonal IUD. Maybe it would have been fine for me, but the Depo shot and its insane hormones made me increasingly wary of using any hormonal birth control, regardless of how "locally" the Mirena's hormones work.
I talked with my very patient OB/GYNE about my concerns, and we discussed non-hormonal options. In the rubbers department, my doctor said she does not really recommend cervical caps or diaphragms. I wasn't really interested in those options anyway and am more interested in the copper, non-hormonal Paragard IUD.
I hesitated to go with the Paragard initially. Like many women, I heard the word "copper" and balked. The idea of heavier periods also isn't hot (though my periods have never been very heavy or crampy). My dad also shared a former coworker's horror story of infection on Paragard. That pretty much sealed the (initial) deal that Paragard was not for me.
However, after almost two months of weight gain, breakouts and mood swings, the Paragard appeals way more than any hormones at all. Riding yet another hormonal birth control rollercoaster sounds like an exhausting trip that I am not up for right now.
The post-operative Depo-Provera shot lasts until June 7th. I am no longer pressuring myself to come up with a quick birth control solution. If I am not certain, the boyfriend and I can use condoms until I feel sure of my choice.
Here I want to say a lot about how the pressure, (oftentimes) cost, and crazy side effects of birth control weigh on the woman in a relationship. How the woman becomes the sole vessel for these issues and stress. How insane it is that birth control options are not more thoroughly discussed--in school classrooms, in doctor's offices, among women. I, for one, have been talking VAGINA with my lady-friends NON-STOP recently. It feels great, too. With those women whom I've shared my experience, there is closeness and support, and simultaneously I can offer advice and knowledge. It's awesome.
I want to share and talk about this experience, about women's health, about sex, about birth control, as much as possible. Knowledge is power, and we must be our own advocates for our health, bodies and wellness. Here's to us ladies and getting the best we deserve.
I talked with my very patient OB/GYNE about my concerns, and we discussed non-hormonal options. In the rubbers department, my doctor said she does not really recommend cervical caps or diaphragms. I wasn't really interested in those options anyway and am more interested in the copper, non-hormonal Paragard IUD.
I hesitated to go with the Paragard initially. Like many women, I heard the word "copper" and balked. The idea of heavier periods also isn't hot (though my periods have never been very heavy or crampy). My dad also shared a former coworker's horror story of infection on Paragard. That pretty much sealed the (initial) deal that Paragard was not for me.
However, after almost two months of weight gain, breakouts and mood swings, the Paragard appeals way more than any hormones at all. Riding yet another hormonal birth control rollercoaster sounds like an exhausting trip that I am not up for right now.
The post-operative Depo-Provera shot lasts until June 7th. I am no longer pressuring myself to come up with a quick birth control solution. If I am not certain, the boyfriend and I can use condoms until I feel sure of my choice.
Here I want to say a lot about how the pressure, (oftentimes) cost, and crazy side effects of birth control weigh on the woman in a relationship. How the woman becomes the sole vessel for these issues and stress. How insane it is that birth control options are not more thoroughly discussed--in school classrooms, in doctor's offices, among women. I, for one, have been talking VAGINA with my lady-friends NON-STOP recently. It feels great, too. With those women whom I've shared my experience, there is closeness and support, and simultaneously I can offer advice and knowledge. It's awesome.
I want to share and talk about this experience, about women's health, about sex, about birth control, as much as possible. Knowledge is power, and we must be our own advocates for our health, bodies and wellness. Here's to us ladies and getting the best we deserve.
Monday, April 18, 2011
One Month (and Three Days) Later
It is exactly one month and three days since my March 15th procedure. Things return to normal, and I'm still okay.
After meeting with my OB/GYNE last week, I've decided to have the Mirena IUD inserted. We ordered an IUD, and now we wait for insurance paperwork to clear. This process can take up to a month. The ideal time to have an IUD inserted is during menstruation (soft cervix!), so it's too bad that I couldn't have an IUD inserted last week when I happened to have my period during my visit to the doc.
While I'm physically back to normal, and I apparently gained 0.6 pounds in my Post-Abortion Chocolate Chip Cookie Recovery Plan, returning to a normal sex life with my boyfriend has been a bit rocky. The bumps on the road to sexual bliss have nothing to do with any physical ailments related to the procedure or the complication and may not have even anything mental-emotional to do with the procedure or complication either. (I was having infections and vaginal pain prior to the pregnancy.) But, as my gynecologist put it the other day, me and my cervix have been through an awful lot in the last month alone. My boyfriend and I cope with understanding and taking things slow. It seems to be working as my libido is on the rise (hooray!) and sex hasn't been painful in the last several days.
Emotionally, I feel more and more like myself with each passing day. There's no question that the abortion will be a part of who I am, but it will not comprise my entire being as it did during the process and my immediate recovery.
I'm a strong believer that things happen for a reason, though we must have the strength to seek those reasons, make sense of them and then build and follow the paths that lay before us. I feel like I'm emerging from the dark pain and difficulty that obscured my vision and entering into a clarity and light where I'm doing just that. It feels right and good.
After meeting with my OB/GYNE last week, I've decided to have the Mirena IUD inserted. We ordered an IUD, and now we wait for insurance paperwork to clear. This process can take up to a month. The ideal time to have an IUD inserted is during menstruation (soft cervix!), so it's too bad that I couldn't have an IUD inserted last week when I happened to have my period during my visit to the doc.
While I'm physically back to normal, and I apparently gained 0.6 pounds in my Post-Abortion Chocolate Chip Cookie Recovery Plan, returning to a normal sex life with my boyfriend has been a bit rocky. The bumps on the road to sexual bliss have nothing to do with any physical ailments related to the procedure or the complication and may not have even anything mental-emotional to do with the procedure or complication either. (I was having infections and vaginal pain prior to the pregnancy.) But, as my gynecologist put it the other day, me and my cervix have been through an awful lot in the last month alone. My boyfriend and I cope with understanding and taking things slow. It seems to be working as my libido is on the rise (hooray!) and sex hasn't been painful in the last several days.
Emotionally, I feel more and more like myself with each passing day. There's no question that the abortion will be a part of who I am, but it will not comprise my entire being as it did during the process and my immediate recovery.
I'm a strong believer that things happen for a reason, though we must have the strength to seek those reasons, make sense of them and then build and follow the paths that lay before us. I feel like I'm emerging from the dark pain and difficulty that obscured my vision and entering into a clarity and light where I'm doing just that. It feels right and good.
Friday, April 8, 2011
I Have Sex and I am Political
I didn't expect my blog about my abortion to wind up being so political. But unless I only focus on the physical aspects of the process, which was never my intent, it's bound to get political and fast.
I'm a political person generally. I've been to rallies in D.C., knocked on congressmen and congresswomen's doors, demanded to be heard by my leaders, made calls from home for politicians' campaigns, joined political groups on my college campus, led political groups on my college campus...
I now live in a liberal area and am no longer registered to vote in my home state, where I often felt I could influence state (but not local) politics. Since then, I haven't been as political as I once was. In fact, I burned out a little bit on being political. It's exhausting, and I don't know where people get the energy for it. It took me two weeks leading my campus College Dems to realize I had no interest in politics as a career.
But only two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I had a conversation with my boyfriend about how nothing brings out the liberal warrior in me like an attack on women's reproductive rights.
Mostly, I have only seen those attacks at a distance as news about government spending. It had been years since I had seen those attacks up close. Back then, I was a liberal teenager in a conservative town in a conservative state with (mainly) conservative friends. It was those friends who launched ideological attacks on women's rights. It wasn't personal then, and I would try to argue my perspective to them, try to find a middle ground, excuse their judgmental and uncharitable attitudes. We'd usually wind up agreeing to disagree, and I'd excuse their nasty rhetoric and move on.
Even when we discussed my "liberal warrior," my boyfriend asked me how I could be friends with some of these people from my past on Facebook. I'm even relatively close friends with one anti who, on the day I returned to work from my procedure, posted an article about why rape and incest are not reasons to 'justify' abortion. (The article used the film Rob Roy as the basis of its argument... simultaneously laughable and pathetic.)
I made excuses for this friend and others from my past, explained that their judgment of women was something they were raised with, they are good people otherwise, and on and on. He rolled his eyes, expressed that he can't understand how I excuse the behavior of a "friend" who would limit my rights, and we reached our ususal impasse on the topic.
Then I got pregnant, and then I had an abortion.
From my perspective, since then there has been a confluence of personal attacks and political bullying that turns my stomach.
I've seen and experienced in great intimacy what kind of churlish, self-righteous, un-Christian people it takes to personally attack women's rights and choices--be it by commenting on the blog of a woman who is just coping with her experience, by posting judgmental rhetoric on Facebook or by protesting outside of a Planned Parenthood in hopes to intimidate at least one woman and force their opinion upon her. And the political attacks have taken on an even darker tone. What kind of politician will shut down a government and leave his fellow Americans out to dry over pap smears and STD testing?
I could add plenty here about how disappointed I am (and expected to be) by President Obama's weak political hand, or how I wish that other Dems would stand up to the schoolyard bullying by Boehner and his cronies.
But I don't want this blog to become another Internet political blather bucket, so I'll leave it at this: I am incredibly frustrated by this country and its leaders on both sides right now.
In the meantime, I am posting this video (Thanks for linking to it last month, OmMama!!) and calling my leaders to tell them that I support Planned Parenthood. I'm turning off comments on this entry and ask that you, whether you agree or disagree with me, direct your energy toward calling your political leaders instead.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Hard Facts
Boyfriend just got home after I finished that last post, and I was compelled to update him on our sex life.
Me: I did some Googling about masturbation.
Boyfriend: And?
Me: It's really difficult to find hard facts.
Me: I did some Googling about masturbation.
Boyfriend: And?
Me: It's really difficult to find hard facts.
Recovery Day 2
I'm feeling alright today. The bleeding has picked up a bit, and this morning I woke up the crampiest I've been yet. I took some of the narcotic painkillers, downed a bowl of cereal and half a dairy-free cookie and then took my antibiotic. Felt better shortly after.
I did bleed on the comforter last night, which is a bummer. It's in the dryer now, so we'll keep our fingers crossed that the cold water and detergent has done the trick!
Yesterday evening was tough. My boyfriend and I had a huge argument--one of those fights that escalates into a hysterical, out-of-control place. We both said some terrible things, dredging up our deepest issues.
At the heart of the problem was that yesterday we needed very different things, and neither of us delivered to the other. I, feeling raw emotionally and not-at-my-best physically, wanted attention and support. Lots of it, too.
My boyfriend, whose work and freelance schedule is out of control right now, wanted space to process his feelings and his stress.
Obviously, these two things don't exactly work together, and we wound up at each other's throats. It was extremely upsetting, and honestly, it's indicative of part of why we chose to terminate the pregnancy. While we are crazy about one another, we don't know yet if we work as a partnership well enough to provide an emotionally-stable home to a child, let alone for ourselves. It was as if this fight was the proof we needed of that fact, in case we needed more proof.
We resolved the fight, acknowledging that we are different people with different needs, that we may need to be more direct with one another than we are used to in order to express our needs. Then, we crawled into bed together, exhausted and with our hands clasped together.
Here's the things about fights in relationships: They often are put to rest after a good talk with a fabulous session of make-up sex.
Obviously, that isn't an option for us right now.
(Warning: Sexually graphic content follows...)
So this morning, after I woke up and took my pills and we each had some breakfast and talked, my boyfriend and I found ourselves in a wildly passionate makeout session. The level of sexual frustration was enraging. Finally, I grabbed my tiny little wonderful vibrator (it's a Lelo Lily, and I'm happy to explain to any readers why it's worth the investment) and tried to pleasure myself while going down on him.
However, I got distracted with worry about whether orgasming would hurt my recovery and eventually gave up on a climax.
The funny thing is that I asked my head nurse after my laminaria insertion about this very issue, though obviously not directly enough. Our exchange went down something like this:
Me: So, I know I can't have intercourse following the procedure, but is it possible to pleasure myself in other ways?
Nurse: Oh, you don't want to put anything inside your vagina!
Me: I know, but I don't---
Nurse: No, no no. You don't want anything inside of there because if you get it infected, blah blah blah blah.
Me: I know, but--
Nurse: It would be really bad to get an infection.
Me: I kn--
Nurse: I think you can handle it.
She left the room at that point, turning off the lights behind her to let me curl up on my side and adjust to the laminaria and rest while my boyfriend held my hand.
Boyfriend: You wanted to know if you could use your vibe, didn't you?
Anyone out there have experience with clitoral masturbation following a surgical abortion?!?
A quick cursory Google resulted in lots of Yahoo! (Questionable) Answers (Most Likely Answered by 16-Year-Old Girls) and one Iowa women's health clinic. The women's health clinic had this to say:
I did bleed on the comforter last night, which is a bummer. It's in the dryer now, so we'll keep our fingers crossed that the cold water and detergent has done the trick!
Yesterday evening was tough. My boyfriend and I had a huge argument--one of those fights that escalates into a hysterical, out-of-control place. We both said some terrible things, dredging up our deepest issues.
At the heart of the problem was that yesterday we needed very different things, and neither of us delivered to the other. I, feeling raw emotionally and not-at-my-best physically, wanted attention and support. Lots of it, too.
My boyfriend, whose work and freelance schedule is out of control right now, wanted space to process his feelings and his stress.
Obviously, these two things don't exactly work together, and we wound up at each other's throats. It was extremely upsetting, and honestly, it's indicative of part of why we chose to terminate the pregnancy. While we are crazy about one another, we don't know yet if we work as a partnership well enough to provide an emotionally-stable home to a child, let alone for ourselves. It was as if this fight was the proof we needed of that fact, in case we needed more proof.
We resolved the fight, acknowledging that we are different people with different needs, that we may need to be more direct with one another than we are used to in order to express our needs. Then, we crawled into bed together, exhausted and with our hands clasped together.
Here's the things about fights in relationships: They often are put to rest after a good talk with a fabulous session of make-up sex.
Obviously, that isn't an option for us right now.
(Warning: Sexually graphic content follows...)
So this morning, after I woke up and took my pills and we each had some breakfast and talked, my boyfriend and I found ourselves in a wildly passionate makeout session. The level of sexual frustration was enraging. Finally, I grabbed my tiny little wonderful vibrator (it's a Lelo Lily, and I'm happy to explain to any readers why it's worth the investment) and tried to pleasure myself while going down on him.
However, I got distracted with worry about whether orgasming would hurt my recovery and eventually gave up on a climax.
The funny thing is that I asked my head nurse after my laminaria insertion about this very issue, though obviously not directly enough. Our exchange went down something like this:
Me: So, I know I can't have intercourse following the procedure, but is it possible to pleasure myself in other ways?
Nurse: Oh, you don't want to put anything inside your vagina!
Me: I know, but I don't---
Nurse: No, no no. You don't want anything inside of there because if you get it infected, blah blah blah blah.
Me: I know, but--
Nurse: It would be really bad to get an infection.
Me: I kn--
Nurse: I think you can handle it.
She left the room at that point, turning off the lights behind her to let me curl up on my side and adjust to the laminaria and rest while my boyfriend held my hand.
Boyfriend: You wanted to know if you could use your vibe, didn't you?
Anyone out there have experience with clitoral masturbation following a surgical abortion?!?
A quick cursory Google resulted in lots of Yahoo! (Questionable) Answers (Most Likely Answered by 16-Year-Old Girls) and one Iowa women's health clinic. The women's health clinic had this to say:
We recommend to our clients that they do not insert anything into their vagina after the abortion until after their three-week check-up. This is to prevent an infection. Having an orgasm doesn't do anything bad to you. However, if your masturbation involves inserting anything into the vagina, then you should stop doing that until after your check-up exam. If you can masturbate without inserting anything into the vagina, by stimulating the clitoris for instance, that is OK. Whether or not you insert anything in your vagina, it's very important that you go and get a check-up exam 2-3 weeks after your abortion. At that check-up your health care provider will make sure that you don't have any symptoms of an infection or any other complications. If you were to develop a complication, as long as it is taken care of promptly, the risk of permanent harm to your uterus (womb) is very low. Again, don't worry about orgasms themselves, they won't do anything to you. It's just how you get the orgasms that can cause problems. -EmmaUPDATE: Found this info on Ask Alice, which puts to rest any concerns I had about clitoral stimulation. Hooray, Lelo Lily!
Dear Alice,
I just want to know why is it, that after you get an abortion, you can't have sex for 2 or 3 weeks? My best friend got one, and she asked me if I could find out why, because she didn't ask; and she had sex, and it has only been a week today. So if you could email me, and tell me, that would be great!
Thank you!!!!
Cindy
Dear Cindy,
Your friend is lucky to have you to support her! After an abortion, which ends a pregnancy and removes tissues from the uterus, a woman's body needs 2 to 3 weeks to heal fully. After an abortion (or a miscarriage, or giving birth, for that matter) the tissues of the uterus and cervix may be more susceptible to infection for a period of time. Anything inserted into a woman's vagina while she is healing can expose the uterus and cervix to bacteria and/or other microorganisms that can cause infection. For the same reason, women are often advised to take showers rather than baths when healing. During this time, no penetration of any kind, including with tampons, sex toys, fingers, or douche, is recommended. And like your friend heard, women are encouraged to avoid vaginal sex, as well as receptive anal and oral sex.
Your friend likely has a follow-up medical visit scheduled between 2 to 4 weeks after the procedure. At the appointment, a health care provider will use sterile gloves and a speculum (if a pelvic exam is necessary) to check on the healing process. After the woman's health care provider gives her the okay, a woman can resume having sex and other penetrative activities.
Signs of infection include fever, chills, abdominal pain, and/or heavy vaginal discharge (though some women may experience abdominal cramps and vaginal bleeding without infection). A woman can expect her first regular period within six weeks of the abortion. If she notices signs of infection, or if she does not get her period within six weeks after the procedure, it's time for a visit to her health care provider. Students at Columbia can schedule a check-up with the provider who performed the abortion or with their primary care provider on campus; call x4-2284 or log on to Open Communicator to make an appointment.
In the meantime, a woman can have outercourse, give oral and/or manual sex to a partner, and even orgasm while she is healing from the abortion. If having an orgasm produces uncomfortable cramping sensations, however, she may decide to postpone this until she has finished healing.
Most women are able to get pregnant again almost immediately after an abortion, so if a woman chooses to have sex right away, and wants to avoid another pregnancy, she should consider what birth control method will serve her best. She also can use condoms (and dams or unlubed condoms for oral sex) in order to reduce the risk of infection during the healing period. However, health care providers strongly recommend that women wait until after the healing process has been completed before resuming penetration and having sex again
The links below might help answer any other questions your friend might have. Keep up the good work in being a supportive, informative friend!
Alice
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Bump, the Emotional Pull
Somewhere in the last week, a switch got flipped. While just over a week ago, I could not have fathomed being a mother to a child, I now consider whether I could, what I could do to make it work. I am suddenly okay with becoming a mother at 26, which has always struck me before now as far too young for my own life.
There are tiny moments, encapsulated from reality, where I am struck by happiness. And as soon as the happiness hits, it's flooded out by loss, anger, frustration and guilt.
It's indescribably painful and lonely.
For me, the most startling and most difficult part of the last week has been watching my belly go from zero to 60 in a matter of days. I am a tall, slim, relatively-toned woman. I have fat on my body to be sure, but I've always been a very hourglass-shaped woman. My waist and middle have always been tinier.
On Wedneday, the day I read the at-home test, I saw no sign of a belly.
Thursday, the next day, I thought that I could maybe detect my uterus was pushing up from my pelvis, though I thought I was imagining or looking for things.
Friday, I again thought it looked like my belly was being pushed, particularly later in the day, but it was nothing too drastic.
But by Saturday night, getting ready for my boyfriend's birthday dinner at his mom's and attempting to put on various dresses, I realized that there was no question: I definitely had a bump. I stood in the mirror staring at it, trying on different clothes to see what hid it and wondering if I was panicking for no reason.
I mentioned it to my boyfriend when I picked him to go to dinner, but he didn't respond much. And suddenly I felt very alone. Here I am, seeing serious evidence that I am pregnant, and it's still not real for my boyfriend. We didn't really talk about it that night because my car broke down (rain-->pours) and we stayed with his mom that night.
But by Sunday night, it was even bigger. This time I showed my boyfriend.
"This wasn't here a week ago," I said.
"It wasn't here three days ago," he responded, his voice full of shock. And suddenly I felt like we were more on the same page. We marveled at my stomach, rubbing it and repeating over and over that it didn't feel real.
So many of the blogs I've read describe the frustration of feeling lonely, experiencing pregnancy symptoms alone, isolated from your partner, and working with your partner to feel on the same page or fully supported. It's definitely lonely. This potential life is inside of you, not him. How could he know?
But I am suddenly showing. And showing a LOT. I think that this huge change brought us together more. What tiny pregnancy symptoms I alone was identifying are eclipsed--almost literally--by my massive swelling belly. And that is a real, tangible thing that both of us can touch and feel and react to.
It's continued getting bigger, and last night--after our appointment, after celebrating my boyfriend's birthday with his dad and some friends--my boyfriend and I spent time looking at it and talking more about how it makes us feel and how it makes us feel about our decision.
For one, we both admitted that it is emotionally and physically arousing. We wondered what biological reason there is for us to be drawn together sexually by a baby bump. He wonders if it's a territorial instinct for him, and I think I have a very basic biological "You're-a-powerful-man" response toward him. I haven't read any other women planning to have abortions describe this feeling, but I haven't found that many second trimester abortion blogs out there. Any other women out there in my situation??
The bump also draws us together in our relationship emotionally. We feel drawn together. He feels a strong desire to protect me, and I feel a desire to be protected by him. Where no desire to be parents existed before, there's excitement. And you can't help but look at the bump as, yup, a miracle. As my boyfriend put it last night, "I want to take a picture of it... but I don't, I can't."
Finally, the bump makes us both incredibly, incredibly sad. It's heartbreaking. To feel all these things in a very real way, to see this physical manifestation of our feelings, and to choose that the responsible thing for us and for this potential life is not to bring it to term. The weight and pain of the choice weighs so heavily that I literally feel exhausted and can almost feel pressure on my chest and shoulders as I think about it.
So, even after our appointment, I feel ambivalence, fear and sadness. Not that I didn't expect to. We've accepted that it's just going to continue to get harder. My belly will grow for the next 5 or 8 days--however many days until I can have the procedure, and we will still feel reactions to it. I'm sure that those feelings will linger, change and evolve over time, but right now, this is the most difficult thing I've faced.
There are tiny moments, encapsulated from reality, where I am struck by happiness. And as soon as the happiness hits, it's flooded out by loss, anger, frustration and guilt.
It's indescribably painful and lonely.
For me, the most startling and most difficult part of the last week has been watching my belly go from zero to 60 in a matter of days. I am a tall, slim, relatively-toned woman. I have fat on my body to be sure, but I've always been a very hourglass-shaped woman. My waist and middle have always been tinier.
On Wedneday, the day I read the at-home test, I saw no sign of a belly.
Thursday, the next day, I thought that I could maybe detect my uterus was pushing up from my pelvis, though I thought I was imagining or looking for things.
Friday, I again thought it looked like my belly was being pushed, particularly later in the day, but it was nothing too drastic.
But by Saturday night, getting ready for my boyfriend's birthday dinner at his mom's and attempting to put on various dresses, I realized that there was no question: I definitely had a bump. I stood in the mirror staring at it, trying on different clothes to see what hid it and wondering if I was panicking for no reason.
I mentioned it to my boyfriend when I picked him to go to dinner, but he didn't respond much. And suddenly I felt very alone. Here I am, seeing serious evidence that I am pregnant, and it's still not real for my boyfriend. We didn't really talk about it that night because my car broke down (rain-->pours) and we stayed with his mom that night.
But by Sunday night, it was even bigger. This time I showed my boyfriend.
"This wasn't here a week ago," I said.
"It wasn't here three days ago," he responded, his voice full of shock. And suddenly I felt like we were more on the same page. We marveled at my stomach, rubbing it and repeating over and over that it didn't feel real.
So many of the blogs I've read describe the frustration of feeling lonely, experiencing pregnancy symptoms alone, isolated from your partner, and working with your partner to feel on the same page or fully supported. It's definitely lonely. This potential life is inside of you, not him. How could he know?
But I am suddenly showing. And showing a LOT. I think that this huge change brought us together more. What tiny pregnancy symptoms I alone was identifying are eclipsed--almost literally--by my massive swelling belly. And that is a real, tangible thing that both of us can touch and feel and react to.
It's continued getting bigger, and last night--after our appointment, after celebrating my boyfriend's birthday with his dad and some friends--my boyfriend and I spent time looking at it and talking more about how it makes us feel and how it makes us feel about our decision.
For one, we both admitted that it is emotionally and physically arousing. We wondered what biological reason there is for us to be drawn together sexually by a baby bump. He wonders if it's a territorial instinct for him, and I think I have a very basic biological "You're-a-powerful-man" response toward him. I haven't read any other women planning to have abortions describe this feeling, but I haven't found that many second trimester abortion blogs out there. Any other women out there in my situation??
The bump also draws us together in our relationship emotionally. We feel drawn together. He feels a strong desire to protect me, and I feel a desire to be protected by him. Where no desire to be parents existed before, there's excitement. And you can't help but look at the bump as, yup, a miracle. As my boyfriend put it last night, "I want to take a picture of it... but I don't, I can't."
Finally, the bump makes us both incredibly, incredibly sad. It's heartbreaking. To feel all these things in a very real way, to see this physical manifestation of our feelings, and to choose that the responsible thing for us and for this potential life is not to bring it to term. The weight and pain of the choice weighs so heavily that I literally feel exhausted and can almost feel pressure on my chest and shoulders as I think about it.
So, even after our appointment, I feel ambivalence, fear and sadness. Not that I didn't expect to. We've accepted that it's just going to continue to get harder. My belly will grow for the next 5 or 8 days--however many days until I can have the procedure, and we will still feel reactions to it. I'm sure that those feelings will linger, change and evolve over time, but right now, this is the most difficult thing I've faced.
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