Consultation today

I am going to the hospital today to talk about the procedure and have some tests done. I don't trust my crappy gynecologist anymore, so perhaps her estimation of my progress was wrong. My biggest fear at this point is that I am further along in this pregnancy than she thought. It's a bummer not trusting medical professionals.

We'll do an ultrasound to get the exact date or close to it and then discuss what is necessary to terminate the pregnancy, based on what they see.

I feel strangely numb today. I guess that I have maybe gone into some kind of detached place to protect myself. I have been a wreck these last few days. Last night I stood in front of the mirror for almost an hour rubbing my belly and looking at a profile that was not there a week ago.

I measured my belly, and it is at 36 inches at its biggest after a full day, probable bloating, etc. But even still, how is that possible? My waist in mid-January, measured for a bridesmaid's dress, was at 31 inches.

Today I am wearing stretchy pants because my jeans were becoming painful yesterday. I hadn't washed the jeans for fear that they'd shrink, but even still I sat all day yesterday them unzipped at work and then unzipped at my weekly trivia night with my friends. Yup.

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Yeah, just thinking about the consultation while writing this entry, I've become shaky and scared. Guess that detchament thing wore off fast.
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I still feel that there are only two scenarios I would bring this pregnancy to term:

First, if there is some reason that I face heightened risks or damage to my future pregnancies. Being unable to have children has been, irrationally, a fear of mine for a while. I know I want children. I don't want to hurt my chances at having a healthy pregnancy.

I understand from what I've read about various surgical abortions online that the risks to future pregnancies are very low, but given my odds of getting pregnant in the first place, I'm not one for playing with numbers right now.

Second, I am scared that I am farther along. For me, I think there is some line where I could no longer choose abortion that falls before the legal limit. For each person, this point is different. I suppose I'm talking about the point where life begins. I'm not really equipped to tackle that right now, but it's something this blog will discuss in detail, I am sure.

I'm picking up boyfriend now to head to the hospital. Here we go.