Dream Babble and Judgment

I haven't really remembered my dreams much in the last couple weeks. I had a few nightmares (other friends were pregnant; I was about to give birth; I already had one kid and was pregnant again), but I think that my subconscious mind mostly graciously granted me heavy sleep this month so I could truly rest. Unfortunately, that wasn't in the cards last night.

After a long, late night of heavy emotional conversation, I fell asleep around 4:30 AM. I slept restlessly, dreaming nightmares of my abortion happening at a protestor-heavy clinic. I woke several times before I fell into what seemed like a regular old dream:

In this dream, I am at my favorite coffee shop in the city.

(FYI: I adore this place. However, I haven't spent much time there since January because my usual absolute NEED for ONE LARGE AMERICANO PER DAY dissipated when I was pregnant. Coffee, let alone espresso, was revolting. I showed up there a few times this past month for a bagel or cookie, and the staff was baffled as they'd call out a 'Hey!' and a 'Where have you been?' and then start brewing me an Americano before I could stop them. At one point, one of the baristas said in frustration, 'Why don't you order large Americanos anymore? It used to be so easy!')

In this dream, I am at the coffee shop and I am telling the manager that I had a dream with him in it. Then, I "awake" from my dream, find myself at the coffee shop again and say, 'Weird! I just had a dream where I was telling you that you were in my dream,' and then I woke up for real, feeling very confused.

I didn't feel like that dream had much to do with anything, but it did leave me thinking that I might give a morning Americano a try today. I swung by my coffee shop on my way to work and ordered a small one.

As I stood waiting and thinking about the dream that had led me here, I overheard two of the baristas discussing a woman who comes in regularly.

"She just stares at you blankly," one guy said.

"Maybe she's in love with you," the second male barista suggested.

"I mean, she's beautiful, but what's going on with her?"

At this point, I smiled to myself, wondering who this young woman is and how she manages to so affect these two guys.

"Yeah," the second barista said, "but now we know: She's PREGNANT," he pointed at his left hand, "AND unmarried." He rolled his eyes.

Whoa. What?!

With that, my Americano was ready and the second barista offered me a flirty, twinkly-eyed smile and wished me a great day. I felt like he had just punched me in the chest. This guy has been handing me Americanos for years now, but I looked at him differently this time.


When I was still making my choice, I often wondered if I had chosen to bring my pregnancy to term: What judgment would there be if I showed up in my usual places, showing my pregnancy and unmarried?

There's an amazing thought: As an unexpectedly pregnant single woman, you are subject to judgment no matter what.

If you choose to terminate the pregnancy, the anti-choice trolls will clang their bells and beat their chests and scream about the unborn children.

If you choose to carry the pregnancy to term, the small lowlifes will point at your bulging stomach and your unringed hand and whisper their assesment of your low character.

If you choose to carry the pregnancy to term and get married, there will be those people who look at your wedding pictures, trying to discern the bump in the white folds of your dress, and pityingly remark how it's just too bad, isn't it?

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Damned if you don't and you get married.

Not that everyone in this world is a judgmental dick. I'm not that cynical. But man, I felt like I saw a shining example of the reverse judgment I might be receiving right now. That moment was a small glimpse into an alternate reality.

I believe in synchronicity, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I had this dream that led me to a morning coffee for the first time in weeks, only to experience what I did there.

I went to bed last night weighted by judgment from some self-righteous anti-choice urchins who had linked to my blog last night, weighted by my own self-judgment and fear. I woke up and went for a coffee and saw what kind of judgment is reserved for unmarried women like me who do choose to bring their pregnancy to term.

Judgment is everywhere. I made a mistake last night in internalizing some of it. Thanks, beautiful Universe, for slapping me out of it and reminding me that ill-informed conjecture and graceless judgment are the products of narrow minds and small people.